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Post by jbrown62r on Mar 10, 2012 13:17:16 GMT -8
Ol' Bob hangs up the phone after discussing detals with his OTMX buddies of their up and coming International trip. Bob's wife comes in the room yelling at him telling him "he is not going to go racing during their anniversary again". Bob then calls his buddies back and informs them of this sudden change in plans. The following weekend Tom, Bill and Jake show up to their usual mx camp as planned only to find Bob sitting there with a raging fire, a pile of fire wood and a cooler full of beer...they walked up Jake asks I thought you couldn't make it, when'd you get here? Bob said last night, night before that Martha walked up behind me real quiet like while I was watchin speed channel, told me to close my eyes and to follow her...I did, she led me right into the bedroom where there was soft music playing, rose pettals all over the bed and floor and candles burning. She laid down on the bed, handed me a pair of hand-cuffs and said, I want you to lock me up tight and do what ever your want...so I locked her up to the bed, loaded my bike in the truck grabbed my gear and well.....here I am!
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Post by rooster73 on Mar 10, 2012 14:21:15 GMT -8
Now, there you go, Bob is my kinda guy.............Hope he did well in the races, he earned it....................Rooster
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Post by jbrown62r on Apr 4, 2012 13:17:25 GMT -8
Here is a post that Bobby made years ago.
I thought you might enjoy another excerpt from Rick Siemens book "Monkeybutt".
...................How To Tell When You Are Too Old To Race
I raced my very first Old Timer's National a short while ago, and at the risk of letting on just how old I really am, I must admit that I enjoyed myself immensely. While there I ran into Dave McCoy, a gentleman who also rides in the Masters Class. Dave, it's said, is in his mid-60s and rides a 450 Maico quite rapidly.
One of the people in our group asked, "Isn't he a bit too old to ride motocross?"
Hmmm. Good question. However, I was able to get a copy of a little-known section of the AMA rules - a section on rider ineligibility. These strange rules are kept hidden in a vault by Joe Parkhurst. Anyway, after plying Joe with drinks and an inflatable life-sized doll, he gave me a copy of those rules, and here they are for your edification:
AMA Rules on How to Tell When You're Too Old to Ride Motocross - Section 12
You're too old to ride motocross when:
You sink your teeth into a big thick steak - and they stay there
You look forward to ten minute motos
Everything hurts after a moto, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work
You get leg cramps from bending down and lubing your chain
All the members of the Over the Hill Gang look like kids
You can remember short travel suspensions
Your knees buckle easily and your leathers buckle hard
You start looking for the white flag after the first lap or two
You get a lump in your throat (instead of your shorts) when a pretty girl walks by
You get lapped by the water truck
You go out to the track the night before just so you don't have to get up in the morning
Your back goes out more often than you do
You get to know your doctor on a first name basis
You have more stuff in the medicine cabinet than in the tool chest
A lot of your friends have shiny heads
You know everything there is to know about bikes, but no one ever asks you about them
The worst part of your day is when you have to wake up
You still like to look at pretty girls, but have a hard time remembering why
You buy the most powerful bike on the market so you can get a holeshot and won't have to fight through the pack
You can remember when all the tracks used to be "a lot tougher and much more challenging"
You park your bike on top of a hill so you can bump start it instead of kick starting
You break the bike during a race - and breathe a sigh of relief
You know the name of all the Italian bikes that used to be around in the '50s
You find out that your kid is a jerk pit racer
You start thinking about restoring one of "those grand old singles"
You start thinking it's about time you gave your bike a makeover - then remember it's the twelfth time you'e done that
You learn how to hog corners and keep faster riders from passing you
You can limp convincingly after a hard race without having to fake it
You have to go to the bathroom right before the start of a race, even though you just went five minutes ago
You walk through the pits with your head held high, so your chin doesn't rub against your riding jersey
The little gray haired lady at the sign up booth is your wife, or your girlfriend, or both
You try to deduct you racing injuries on Medicare
You're registered for the Organ Donation program and the only thing they've said they'll take is your left retina
Your friends sure look old lately
You're sorry the minute you put an entry in
You just can't stand people who are intolerant
The old guy who runs the gate calls you 'sir'
You start to girl dog a lot about dangerous jumps, dust, lack of flagmen, and mini bikes being allowed to ride in the same state on the same day
Someone says 'Canadian' and you think of whiskey instead of Can Am
You start to tell a story and everyone goes to sleep
You are shocked at how young Dick Mann still looks
Someone says four stroke, and you think of BSA instead of XR
Your hearing aid puts out more voltage than your CDI
Getting in shape means cutting down to one six pack a night
You turn out the lights in your camper early at night to save the batteries, instead of for romantic reasons
Your bike doesn't break anymore
You join a health club and only use the steam bath
You buy a certain kind of boot because the buckles are easy to use
You explode a Gold Belt when landing from a big jump
You actually remember the first issue of Dirt Bike.
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Post by mxgranpa on Apr 4, 2012 16:08:25 GMT -8
By the fourth moto of the weekend you stay seated over all the jumps going up and coming down.
Especially with my bad hip!! truth
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Post by rooster73 on Apr 4, 2012 21:34:49 GMT -8
When Jim Patterson says you were his idol when he was riding mini's.
Rooster
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Post by mxgranpa on Apr 5, 2012 5:22:19 GMT -8
When Jim Patterson says you were his idol when he was riding mini's. Rooster My mini when I was 5 had stone wheels. |
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Post by jbrown62r on Apr 20, 2012 13:59:01 GMT -8
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Post by jbrown62r on Apr 24, 2012 9:33:58 GMT -8
Saw this video of Brandon on Vitalmx. I get a good laugh everytime I see this.
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Post by gregg86n on Apr 24, 2012 17:01:15 GMT -8
Gotta love the beginner class.
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Post by jbrown62r on Apr 26, 2012 9:00:09 GMT -8
Lipstick in School (priceless)
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their
lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would
put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.
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Post by jbrown62r on Apr 26, 2012 9:13:55 GMT -8
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b!tch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle
Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that Door for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack PS, you let go
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder
Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely, The World
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely, United States
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere
Dear Anne Frank,
Two can play this game....
Sincerely, Waldo
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol
Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells
you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny
Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely, Justin Beiber
Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell
Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What
now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of
shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here
first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper
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Post by jbrown62r on May 15, 2012 13:02:29 GMT -8
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Post by jbrown62r on May 17, 2012 13:30:17 GMT -8
Most can relate to this in one way or another.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****! ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this informative and if none of this happened to you, you are not old and a dirt bike rider/racer, dad, grandfather mom, grandma etc, etc....
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Post by jbrown62r on Jun 7, 2012 6:55:49 GMT -8
A man and wife were on vacation in Isreal when she suddenly took sick and died.
The authorities told the man he could have his wife shipped back to the States for burial for about $7000. Or he could have her burried in Isreal for about $700.
The man thought for a minute and said "With your history of Resurrections, I'll ship her back home, thanks."
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Post by jbrown62r on Jul 2, 2012 10:08:45 GMT -8
copied from the AZ otmx forum...
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because.
She asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.... :redface:
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